UK report says looters should be shot

A report into this summer's UK riots suggests police should be able to use live ammunition to stop unrest.

Police Unions are believed also to be asking for clarification of what to do about people they find looting the public purse and robbing the public to finance their own grotesque bonuses.

'Our members are waiting for the go-ahead to shoot bankers on sight,' said a spokesperson.

'The police aren't that popular at the moment, but if we can persuade the government to let us gun down some of those greedy, corrupt, self-serving parasites it should make a huge difference.

'Just imagine if there was open season on Goldman Sachs... The punters would love it.'

He added that citizens across the UK thought that pocketing a huge bonus for wrecking the economy was more serious than stealing a pair of trainers.

Wanting to lighten the mood, the spokesmen continued: 'Have you heard this one? A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. As he tried it on, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he found none. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "You're a banker, right?" The young man answered, "Yes, I am." "Well, whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

'Basically, bankers need shooting,' he added. 'Everyone knows that. In what other industry could you cause a complete disaster and end up getting paid shed loads of taxpayers' money?

'Time to polish up the Bren gun, I think.'

Saudi Arabia executes woman for sorcery offences

The Saudi authorities have executed a woman accused of sorcery.

The London-based al-Hayat newspaper quoted Abdullah al-Mohsen, chief of the religious police who arrested the woman, as saying she had tricked people into thinking she could treat illnesses, charging them $800 (£500) per session.

The alleged witch was tried according to Saudi law, he added.

Initially she was forced into single combat with a specially trained satan-seeking goat in a public square in Jeddah.

Armed with a broom (symbolic of her supposed crime brushing money out of people's pockets) she attempted to hold off the demon-sniffing beast.

This she managed to do.

However, the authorities believed the goat may itself have been influenced by Beelzebub and it was later questioned and, when its answers were deemed inadequate, was stoned to death.

The accused sorceress, meanwhile, was re-arrested and the charge of bribing a religious police goat was added to her list of supposed offences.

She was then placed in the official ducking stool and plunged headfirst into a river. She was unable to free herself and was therefore deemed guilty as charged.

The execution brings the total to 76 this year in Saudi Arabia.

In September, a Sudanese man, Abdul Hamid bin Hussain bin Moustafa al-Fakki, was also put to death in Saudi Arabia for sorcery.

MP Andrew Robathan rejects Arctic Convoy medal

Tory defence minister Andrew Robathan has outraged Arctic Convoy veterans by suggesting that to award them a medal for their efforts would be akin to some Ruritarian regime handing out gongs for cookery.

The MP suggested that Britain only awarded medals for 'risk and rigour'.

So nothing doing if all you did was sail across freezing seas dodging dive-bombers and U-boats to keep the Red Army supplied in its fight against the Nazis.

Mr Robathan, tucked up in cosy Whitehall with the heating turned up and a nice cup of steaming cocoa, should perhaps bear in mind that more than 3,000 UK sailors died on the Artic convoys.

Of 1,400 ships on the 78 convoys that passed through seas where temperatures were as low as -60*C, 85 merchant and 16 Royal Navy were sunk between 1941 and 1945.

Despite the Tories promising in opposition to strike an Arctic Star when they won power, ministers have so far chosen not to do so; probably too busy working out how much their pensions will be.

Russia, meanwhile, has awarded commemorative medals to the veterans – only around 200 of whom are still alive.

Mr Robathan added: 'The intention post-war was not to cover everybody in medals. Medals in the UK mean something.

'Authoritarian regimes and dictators often throw around a lot of medals. One can look, for instance, at North Korean generals who are covered in medal ribbon, or Gaddafi, or Saddam Hussein.

'Generals in the Soviet Army were covered in medals.

'We have taken the view in this country, traditionally, that medals will only awarded for campaigns that show risk and rigour. Some regimes give out very large numbers of medals wheras we traditionally do not.'

Leading Seaman Stanley Ballard, 89, from South Croydon, who served on the Royal Navy frigate HMS Cotton on Artic Convoys, said: 'To compare us to Gaddafi was as good as slapping us in the face.'

Contortionist Zlata and her splendid 2012 calendar

Thank goodness for Zlata. The Russian contortionist has recently released her 2012 calendar and it is a suitably wondrous thing.

This talented young lady has got herself into 12 intriguing poses for each month of the year, ranging from performing eye-watering splits in the garden to cooking in the kitchen with her leg over her head.

For March, Zlata dons a Marie-Antoinette-style wig, folds her legs over her shoulders and toys with a bunch of grapes (above). September sees her checking her high-heels in a novel mannner on a railway platform (below) while in December you will find her doubled over in bed in a slinky black number.

The former gymnast, whose real name is Julia Gunthel, now lives in Germany and last month won a Guinness World record for the fastest time to burst three balloons with her back, which she did in 12 seconds.

One of her favourite tricks is bending herself backwards at a perfect 90 degree angle, so the back half of her hands touch her feet.

Zlata said: ‘Doing these poses just feels natural to me. Sometimes it can get a bit uncomfortable if I have to hold a pose for a long time in photoshoots.

‘But I think that’s like anyone who sits down for a long time – their muscles get stiff.

‘I don’t really diet but I have to train very hard to keep my muscles in shape and to be as flexible as possible.’

Zlata's 2012 calendar is entitled 'Never Has Flexibility Been So Fascinating'.