London, December 1876.
From our parliamentary reporter
Sir Gideon Osborne today revealed his latest financial plans to a packed House of Commons.
‘These workshy paupers need to take their medicine,’ he said – to widespread applause from the government benches.
‘For too long, the unworthy poor have been too eager to shirk their responsibilities.
‘All they do is moan on about rickets, drink Porter, grub about on the banks of the Thames looking for scraps of coal and get disemboweled by serial killers.
‘Frankly, it’s just not good enough.’
Sir Gideon went on to say: ‘When I was at Eton I didn’t get to be a member of Pop by hiding in the toilets and playing with my Old Chap. I knuckled down, got myself down to double Greek and learned how to play the cover drive – even when De Lancy (Major) was coming in off his full run-up.
There were general murmurs of agreement at this point and several members nodded approvingly at the mention of Bernard De Lancy (Sussex and England) and showed off scars gained while playing cricket against him at Eton.
Warming to his theme Sir Gideon added: ‘Let’s stop beating about the bush. The poor smell, they’re covered in pus-filled sores, their teeth are revolting and they couldn’t tell Theseus from Perseus in a million years.’
To rapturous applause he climaxed: ‘Of course, though, we’re all in this together.’
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