Epping Forest fire in shape of an elephant

The Sun ran this photo of a policeman ushering people away from a fire in Epping Forest.

The flames look like an elephant (or a mammoth).

Maybe it is a mystic mammoth returned to its old hunting grounds and unhappy to find they've turned into east London.

Is this the secret of the Yeti?

Ted Terry charged with assault

Ted Terry, father of John Terry the Chelsea footballer, has been charged with racially aggravated assault.

It's not the first time Ted’s had a spot of bother with the Old Bill. In 2010 he was charged with drug dealing. He mum and mother in law were also cautioned recently for shoplifting from M&S.

Biggest crime of all, though, is that Terry was ever England captain. Surely that was meant to be a job for a tactician, a leader and, er, a gentleman?

Not any more, I'm afraid.

Terry is - in my humble opinion – one of the most uncouth louts in football. And a donkey, to boot.

Chicks with guns

I always thought that title would work as a magazine. Certainly in Texas.

Dog eats dog in Warrington

Elvis in the days when he had a head

I am shocked but not surprised to see the widespread reports related to a Pomeranian (the dog) having its head bitten off by a bull terrier.

The sordid event happened in Warrington (where else, I'm tempted to add) and the press has run images of a chubby chavette hauling away the bloodthirsty terrier as the pair drip with freshly spilt Pomeranian blood.

The victim was called Elvis and was playing happily in his garden when the bulldog ran through the gate and decapitated him with one bite. It then spat out the bloodied remains in the gutter muttering: ‘That’s for the Blitz, you Fritz b**tard.’

Elvis’ owner, Gemma Antell, from (where else?) Warrington, said: ‘If it was capable of doing that to another dog, then you would have to be afraid of what it could potentially do to a child's arm, or worse.

‘People were screaming at her [the fat chavette] but apparently she just said: “It's not his fault – he's only a baby’.”

Abu Klea. A bad business

General Stewart’s force was about fifteen hundred all told,
A brave little band, but, like lions bold,
They fought under their brave and heroic commander,
As gallant and as skilful as the great Alexander.

And the nation has every reason to be proud,
And in praise of his little band we cannot speak too loud,
Because that gallant fifteen hundred soon put to flight
Ten thousand Arabs, which was a most beautiful sight.

A hint of the Prussian about this