Jeremy Clarkson says strikers should be shot

Clarkson, Clarkson, Clarkson... You may think that shooting public sector strikers is a good idea, but you can't go and say it on the BBC.

What the Top Gear presenter said was this: 'I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

'I mean how dare they go on strike when they have these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed, while the rest of us have to work for a living.'

Across the land, civil servants are sticking pins in effigies. At least that'll give them something to do, I suppose.

I guess Clarkson may think public sector workers are damn lucky anyway, given the situation of most private sector unfortunates.

However, I expect he's got more than enough salted away to keep him in Jags and Porsches when he finally hangs up his mike.

Monkey denies Charmian Chen photo set-up

The Balinese monkey who was filmed tugging down the dress of 22-year-old model Charmian Chen has denied that the photos were set up to further Ms Chen’s career.

'Where's your proof, then?' said the irate primate when confronted by reporters in Indonesia.

'Charmian dropped a piece of corn down her top and I couldn't help myself,' he added, attempting to explain why he had torn off the model's dress.

Pictures of the incident have made headline news in Ms Chen's native Taiwan, with TV stations asking her to appear and talk about it.

The images have also spread around the globe, appearing on blog sites and forums in the US and Britain.

Ms Chen said: 'I was on holiday and at first the pictures were just funny, but when I got back to Taiwan I had all these people trying to add me as friends on Facebook.'

She added that the monkeys were attracted to bikinis worn by many visitors.

'I think it's the bright colours which they think might be fruit, well I don't know about that but it was very strange at the time.'

The monkey confessed this was the case. ‘S'right. I've always loved bright colours. Now clear off and let me eat this massive pile of bananas I just happen to have acquired.'

'Dress like Prince William', army officers told

A memo from the Colonel of the Royal Artillery, in which he advises young officers to dress like Princes William and Harry, has come to light.

The colonel’s advice works well for those of a less martial calling as well.

In particular he suggests: ‘Only the middle button of a three button (M) suit should be fastened. It is a coat not a tunic. If your suit has a belt, so be it, but a slim elegant leather suit belt and not a Harley Davidson buckle belt is to accompany it.’

‘Long socks that do not show your flaky, spindly hairy twiglet like shin and absolutely not a selection of ghastly cartoon characters. There is nothing evenly remotely funny about having Poundland crackers fight for your custom as your tailor.’

‘Black (after 7 pm) brogue/Oxford type shoes, polished and in good repair or a good quality slip on loafer are fine, but anything resembling 4WD with a heavy tread and a big fat square toe won’t do justice to your well cut suit. You wouldn’t put ketchup on a Dover sole. As a rough rule of thumb, if your footwear is in any way similar to that seen on a Balkans’ coffee shop waiter then this applies.’

‘The shirt must be pressed and if wearing a suit (or blazer) then it shouldn’t have a pocket and MUST fit correctly at the neck. Pockets carry Cross pens as used by NASA scientists and while we are a technical/combat arm we aren’t there yet. Black, red or other dark ‘Emo’ colours are to be swiftly and safely consigned to the Camp Esperanca deep hole recycling facility.’

‘Double cuff shirts are not mandatory; however, the quality of the shirt is the main factor. If you must wear a silvery/grey Gary Lineker [former England football captain turned TV pundit] number then make sure it is a really good one and wear it with confidence.

‘The tie should be correctly tied, close to the collar and checked regularly. The knot must not be big fat Grange Hill special or be seen adorning the neck of a semi finalist on the Apprentice (M&F). The tie should just reach over the waist belt, not six inches above or below.

‘You are to be freshly shaved when attending any evening function and enough has been said about sideburns.

‘Diving watches/laptop/GPS type watches furiously scrunched up against your shirt cuff look awful. Try and use a thin elegant dress watch – even Sekonda has some relatively pleasant ones.

These are elements of dress guidance and they are not hard and fast, Edwardian or even particularly contemporary but they just set a rough line on where our young officers should be heading.

We are a broad church and we should not exclusively ape the armed wing of Boden, Primark, Fat Face or New and Lingwood, but I am constantly amazed by what some think is acceptable dress.

‘I would rather discover a Gunner officer through his witty, polite and engaging conversation than clocking his cloning through his dress, but please disseminate this lick of polish onto our fantastic, brave and impressive cohort of young officers.

‘While light hearted, please pass on these tips. If in doubt follow TRHs Princes William and Harry for civilian clothing direction.’

British man fathers 16 children with 14 women

Good to see the Press is up in arms about the behaviour of the Dundee man who has fathered 16 children by 14 women.

Unemployed Jamie Cumming, now there's an interesting name in the circumstances, is expecting a further child with another woman in January.

His current squeeze is 19-year-old Chelsea, while another 19-year-old gave birth to Cumming’s 15th baby two weeks ago and yet another will be popping out the January bairn.

Not sure these girls will be winning any Mensa prizes any time soon.

Cumming, funnily enough, is unable to financially support his many children and most of the mothers are also on benefits.

Cumming’s mother, Lorraine, said she was ashamed of him: ‘He’s been unemployed for years and shows no sign of wanting to work.

‘We don’t speak to each other, and, even though I love him as my child, I am bitterly disappointed with how he lives his life.

‘It’s difficult to keep up with it all, but I do my best to see all the kids. He just doesn’t seem bothered.’

Difficult to keep up with? You could say that.

In 2004, the aptly named lothario sired two girls and a boy who were all born within months of each other, and between December 2007 and August 2008 he fathered three more.

Mr Jamie ‘Unprotected’ Cumming. You are a thoroughly bad egg.

Sardinian brothers admit goat sex

Two Sardinian men have admitted having sex with a goat.

Farm workers Benito and Guiseppe d'Angelo (22 and 25) confessed to the crime at a court in Cagliari last week.

The pair, who worked on a farm near Castelsardo, in the north of the island, pleaded guilty to a range of bestiality-related crimes involving a female goat called Isabella.

They were caught when their employer, farmer Martin Duchesni, returned unexpectedly from a trip to the local market - where he has a stall selling cheese and other dairy products.

'I entered the farmhouse and was making myself a cup of coffee when I heard strange noises and creaks coming from upstairs,' Duchesni told the stunned courtroom.

'I thought it could be thieves, so I quickly picked up a threshing flail and crept quietly up the stairs.'

In the farmhouse main bedroom, the shocked farmer discovered the brothers in the act of doing unmentionable acts to the goat.

'I didn't know what to say,' he added. 'I just couldn't believe it. There was Benito with his trousers round his ankles. The goat was on the bed and Guiseppe was sort of underneath her.

'In a way, I wanted to just pretend I hadn't seen anything, but then I saw the pleading look in Isabella's eyes and I knew I had to do something.'

'Goat sodomy is a very serious crime,' added county prosecutor Carlo Sansimi. 'The fact that it was, in this case, a female goat provides no defence.'

Sentencing will be carried out next week.

D-Day veteran falls victim to Nazi bullet

D-Day veteran Percival (Dai) Tilley died in an accident partly caused by a leg injury he sustained on the Normandy beaches 65 years ago.

Welsh Guardsman Mr Tilley, 91, was hit in the leg by a German bullet on 6 June 1944 and suffered weakness in that leg all his life.

He was on his way to a reunion with his old army comrades, wearing his Welsh Guards blazer and tie, when the leg gave way at the top of a staircase. He fell 20ft to the bottom and suffered from fatal head injuries.

Mr Tilley's leg wound from 1944 was cited as a 'contributory factor' in the accident by the inquest in Cardiff.

Coroner Mary Hassell said: 'He had a compromise to one of his legs and this gave him a problem going down the stairs.

'He was clearly enjoying himself and looking forward to seeing his friends when he just fell down the stairs and hit his head.

'His injuries were absolutely unsurvivable but fortunately this all happened very quickly. I very much doubt Mr Tilley knew any of what was going on.'

Gina Robins: a kitten in the microwave

Very poor show indeed from Gina Robbins, the Torquay woman who put a friend's kitten in the microwave because she had reported her (Robbins') boyfried to the police.

On the pretext of heating up some baby food, she instead popped the 10-week-old kitten in the device.

Its owner, Sarah Knutton, heard a dreadful wailing shriek and then a popping noise as the kitten 'exploded'.

Upon investigating she discovered it splattered around the inside of the microwave. Her first action, she told the court, was to throw up. Understandable, that bit.

Top marks to the Daily Mail website for running a picture with the caption: 'The kitten, similar to the one pictured...'

Robbins may be facing a jail sentence.

Duke of Edinburgh trashes wind turbines

The Duke of Edinburgh has decided wind farms are 'absolutely useless' and a 'bad idea'.

He, like Prince Charles, has no intention of having them on his land.

The comments were made at a reception to Esbjorn Wilmar, of Infinergy, a company that makes and markets wind turbines.

The Duke is happy enough, though, that the Crown Estate pockets large amounts of cash from offshore windfarms; it owns most of the seabed around Britain.

Clearly the Duke hasn't noticed that November currently looks like September and doesn't worry overmuch about finding alternatives to fossil fuels.

But OK to add to Crown's bulging coffers as long as he can't see the offending turbines. Nice one, your Royal Highness.

Cameron, Merkel and the bazooka

Wonder if David Cameron is regretting suggesting to Angela Merkel that they take a bazooka to the problems of the EU.

He's clearly sailed very close to breaching the old adage of 'don't mention the war'.

Not only that, his language skills leave something to be desired.

Bazooka isn't a German word. It was a name given to a home-made musical instrument played by comedian and performer Bob Burns, who was in World War 2 the leader of the US Marines' jazz band.

The German word Dave was after was 'Panzerschrek' (literally, tank terror) or perhaps 'Panzerfaust' (tank, er, fist).

Heinrich Himmler sent postcards home to mum

Wonder what a handwriting expert would make of Heinrich Himmler's postcards?

Adolf Hitler's henchman had a very spiky script, as the postcards he sent to his mum reveal.

The content is typically banal. 'Dear Mum, Here in Warsaw having a lovely time. Right mess outside the hotel, though. Looks like a bombsite. Some interesting churches and castles. Saw some great runes. Locals aren't very friendly.'

The postcards were from a cache of documents taken from Himmler's holiday home in southern Germany by a US serviceman after the war ended. Not sure, though, why he had the postcards at his home when he'd sent them to his mother. Maybe forgot to post them.

The collection of postcards is expected to sell for around £40,000 at auction.

England rugby coach Martin Johnson quits

So farewell, then, Johnno.

You were an outstanding on-pitch leader and an awesome opponent, but it hasn't really happened for you as a manager.

What might have been if your players hadn't been such numb-skulls, though? Never mind all the off-the-pitch stuff at the World Cup, I'd be more frustrated by their inability to run straight and the fact that prop forwards kept appearing at fly-half at crucial moments.

And don't get me started on Chris Ashton and his swallow-dives. They should be banned. Otherwise the day will come when he drops the ball at the key moment and Celts worldwide will wet themselves laughing.

No news yet on what next for Johnson, but I'm sure Leicester Tigers could find a role for him fairly sharpish.